Black Clouds, No Daisies

I woke up today in a bad mood. It's funny how you can just wake up and have your day already ruined. It doesn't seem quite fair. Every single day should be fresh. A clean slate to draw on whatever you want. Some days you draw sunshine and daisies and others black clouds and lightening. I didn't have a chance to draw on my slate today. It was already dark and gloomy when I woke up.

Maybe I am pensive over Chicago. Maybe I am moody over a friendship I have seemingly lost. I searched my heart to see if I was upset over The Boy and for once he doesn't seem to be the problem. The problem is I am a selfish bitch. I know I am loved but I want to be loved by the right person.

I do not know my father. I know my daddy but not my father. My mother married a man when she was quite young. Friends and family both were against the marriage but she went right ahead with it. When they had been married about eight months my mother found out she was pregnant. My father, and I use that term loosely, did not want children. He left her. I will not go into all the details of how I was raised or who raised me but I was raised with love. More love than I probably deserved because I was a rotten child. A spoiled rotten little bitch. Yet they all loved me.

For my entire life I have had no contact with my father. In fact, until I was 12 years old I never even asked his name (I do not have his last name). He didn't want me so I didn't want him. At my high school graduation I noticed that my mother seemed extremely upset. More upset than the normal "my baby just graduated" upset. My father was there. I never saw him. When my mother told me what was going on I just left. Simple as that. I got in my boyfriend's car and left.

Later on I found out that he had hired a private detective to follow me. To find me. He wanted to develop a relationship. I was 17 years old. He had four children not including me. One child is TWO years younger than me. He left my mother because he didn't want children yet he had four starting when I was barely two years old. He waited until I was 17 to try and establish contact. I not so politely told my mother to tell him to go fuck himself.

I am approaching another birthday and sometimes when it gets close to my birthday I think about him. One year The Boy had me convinced to call him. I backed out at the last second. I don't think he deserves to know me. He didn't have a hand in who I am today. Yes he contributed to my genetic make-up but he didn't make me. ME! Except for one part that I am desperately trying to rid myself of.

I have issues with men. I never feel like I am good enough. I always wonder when they are going to leave. If they don't leave quickly enough I push them away. Funny thing is I know I do it. I see myself acting crazy or being bitchy and I can't stop. I went to see a therapist about it and he told me that since my father left me I had decided all men would abandon me. Gee thanks Doc, I couldn't fucking figure that out on my own. I could blame my father for my problems with men but I won't. Yes he didn't want me but I know there is someone out there that will want me someday. He will embrace every quirky, bitchy, sexy, insane part that I have to love. And I will love him with my whole heart and soul.