I Met A Boy

Recently I had a conversation with one of my very good girl friends. She just turned 31, works all the time, and never meets any "good" men. She was thinking about meeting someone off the Internet but she felt a little weird about it. They had been talking for quite some time and he wanted to take the next step. She asked me if this was weird. I told her that thousands of people meet off the Internet every single day. People who met through chat rooms, IM's, and even Internet dating sites. For God sakes, there is one site out there that swears it can get you married. Her apprehension reminded me of a story of my own.

Once upon a time I met a boy on the internet. In all actuality he found me. We chatted every once in a while and I found him amusing. He said I was witty and provocative. The word intriguing might even have been used. He was smart and funny and I guess I needed someone to make me laugh. He thought I was a bit sad and lonely. He may have even been right. We shared a passion for travel and music, not the same kinds of music, but still we were both passionate about music.

What started as a few emails here and there eventually turned into IM conversations and more emails. Short, sweet, and to the point. Of course, soon we were spending an inordinate amount of time chatting. Most of the time it seemed as if we were trying to out do one another. I tried to make him laugh or shock him. He tried to argue with me about things that I was pretty sure he was just arguing about for the sake of arguing. It was funny. I'm pretty sure he saw me as a bit of a bitch yet a challenge. We even joked about liking each other in a 3rd grade way.

I learned he was a sweet boy who tried to be an asshole. He wasn't very successful at it. At least not with me. I saw the sweetness plus he really stimulated my mind. One night the IM's turned into a phone call. We talked till 7 a.m. in the morning. Yes, I just said we spent all night on the phone. He got me. I thought I got him. We both were a little bit sad and dark. We both hated stupid people. It seemed as if we were alike in so many ways.

Every once in awhile the IM's would be of a sexual natural. Not cybersex per se, just a bit sexually provocative. The phone calls took that tone also. I was attracted to this boy. A boy I had never met. He said he was attracted to me. I felt weird and giddy and perverse yet strangely happy. I looked forward to the emails, the IM's, and especially the phone calls. More and more time was spent talking. I'm talking hours here. Either on the phone or over the internet. Everyday. We spoke in one way or another every single day. When I saw him online, I smiled. He often asked if I was beaming when he said something completely adorable. He tried to cheer me up when I was sad. He was a sweet boy hiding behind a dark facade. Just like me, tough as nails on the outside and a mushy heart inside. We were so very much a like. I was at a point where I didn't really want to date or like anyone or even have sex. Shocking I know! He was the first person in quite awhile to turn me on. I don't just mean sexually, though he did do that. He turned my mind on. He made me want to learn new things and travel places I hadn't been before. But even I thought it was weird I liked him ever so much since I had never met him.

The internet is a weird place. You tell secrets to people because it's anonymous. You spill out your life story. You listen to theirs. It's like everything is in fast forward. Even getting hurt is in fast forward.

One day I sensed something was wrong. He was distant. I knew it in my gut. I asked. He said he didn't feel right about what was going on. He felt dirty. He said he would get off the phone and wonder what the fuck he was doing. I was ok with that. I mean we had some very provocative sexual conversations. But we also talked about music and work and traveling. He said it was the internet thing. He didn't meet or hang out with people from the internet. I assume he had some sort of stigma attached to it. I didn't handle myself very well. I was a bitch. He said once he felt uncomfortable with something it was done. I made him feel uncomfortable. I think that may have been what hurt the most. Promises were made to still talk but we all know how that goes.

Even today, I still think he is a wonderful person. Smart and great and very sexy yet just a little narrow minded. Maybe I'm crazy but what does it really matter where you meet someone if there is a connection? I felt a connection. I know he did too. I'm not insane. Really! If you meet someone you have a connection with you should see where it goes whether you meet them on the Internet or at the church or at the carwash or you hit them with your grocery cart. The worst part was knowing that we probably wouldn't even stay in contact. That made me sad. I hate being sad. It's a bit too girlie for me. But I went in with eyes wide open so I guess I am to blame for letting the walls down so quickly. I remember the last thing I said to him was "I have to go. I'm crying and I'm fucking tired of crying." Not a great parting line. Fuck it, I can't be witty and provocative all the time.