Christmas At The Beach... Not This Year Lola

So my Mom, Stepdad, and my little brother are coming here for Christmas. Awww how sweet your saying, right? FUCK NO! They have completely fucked up my plans for the perfect Christmas tan. I mean I sort of knew there would be no Christmas tan this year but I was holding out hope that maybe it would just be a surprise. You know, Lola loves the beach so much let's just change our plans. I mean the world usually does revolve around me.

Last year I spent Christmas week going back and forth between St. Maartin and St. Barths. I kid you not. I had lobster that I picked out of the ocean myself for Christmas dinner. Beats the fuck out of turkey and ham anyday. I snorkeled. I swam. I bronzed myself to a beautiful golden brown. I sailed. I saw Greg Norman and P. Diddy. Granted, I didn't hang out with them but I saw them. I ate fresh seafood and tropical fruits everyday for 8 days. I cannot begin to explain to you what a beautiful color I turned. It was sheer bliss.

I spent New Year's week in Puerto Rico. Drinking rum on the beach. Riding the waves. Reading. Relaxing. And of course, lying in the sun in total happiness. This will be the first year in 4 years that I haven't had a beach Christmas. (My Mom and Stepdad live in Puerto Rico now but have lived in mostly tropical places throughout most of my life.) I do not understand a Christmas without the ocean. Without sand. Without lobster and shrimp. I'm horrified.

So this Christmas I will be in my boring city. Freezing my ass off. Staying a pale icky color. Eating turkey and ham and dressing. I will spend Christmas being generally pissed off. I know. I know. I should be thankful and happy that I have a family to spend Christmas with. I am happy. I would just be chuck full of fucking holiday spirit if we were going to the beach. I would be the jollyest Christmas elf you've ever seen. I just need the ocean and sun to do it. I cannot fully celebrate the birth of Baby Jesus to the best of my abilities without waves. Just isn't going to happen.

I know you are thinking that I am a selfish bitch. Well, yeah. Did you miss the first 47 fucking clues?

Bah fucking humbug, God damn it!