Drunken Shopping

Tonight (Thursday), I left work a little early. Nazi Personal Trainer had kicked my ass earlier in the day. I had a headache. The new girl I had just hired announced she was engaged and would be quitting effective immediately. (She is marrying up - WAY up.) I just wanted to go home and have a hot bath. JFB said I could leave early. I should have gone straight home.

"Amy" convinced me that all I needed was a good meal and an appletini and I would be fine. Funny that she is pushing liquor on me when she NEVER drinks. I should have known something was up. We went to a steakhouse. I crave red meat sometimes. Tonight was one of those nights. I decided to indulge in only one pre dinner appletini. Unfortunately I decided to have wine with dinner. I didn't think I drank that much. Obviously I thought wrong.

"Amy" decided since I was calm it would be a perfect time to go to the Midnight Madness Sale at the chi-chi mall. I'm all for shopping when the mood is right. Tonight wasn't really the right mood for me but "Amy" is my friend so I went. She needed some new clothes because she is going out of town with a group of friends and her "husband." Well, he really isn't her "husband". We say shit like that about men who usually have no idea we are interested in them. God, we are fucked up.

The mall really isn't a mall, more like a rich woman's multiple orgasmic fantasy. So here I am looking like I just rolled out of bed surrounded by women who looked like they had professional help getting ready to go shopping. A bunch of skinny bitches flouncing around looking for bargains. Bargains most of them didn't even need. The diamonds I saw tonight nearly blinded me. And I was quite covetous of the new Louis V purses I saw being thrown around.

One store had a very long line for the changing rooms so girls were just stripping down in the back of store trying crap on. Can't wait for a bargain. And by bargain I mean a $220 shirt marked down to $200. And by shirt I mean a see thru piece of material that barely covers one's breasts. So here I am a bit tipsy watching all the drama unfold. These women were like lions on a gazelle. They were fighting over scraps of material that looked like my Grandpa's old handkerchiefs. "Amy" comes out in a barely there shirt and ask how she looks. I say, quite politely, "You look like a slut. If you wanna pay $175 to look like a slut then you go right ahead." Of course, I didn't realize I was being a little loud. I also didn't realize that four other girls were wandering around in basically the same top. I smiled nicely at them then I said, "I'll just be over here trying on these $300 hooker shoes." I looked good in those hooker shoes.

At the next shop there was a girl who was rather well endowed trying on a top that was obviously two sizes too small for her. Her boobs were all squished up. Not in an attractive way either. I am all for letting your assets do the talking in certain situations. Got a nice set of twins? Use them. Except when it makes you look like an ass. All of her friends were telling her how hot she looked. I politely said "You might want to try a larger size." Sometimes I forget not to give an opinion when I'm not asked for one. She was offended. Fuck it. She looked like a whore. And not the good kind either.

So I endured two hours of tipsy shopping. I made lots of offensive remarks about paying mucho dinero for scraps of cloth so you could look homeless. I also did a little tipsy dialing while I was bored waiting on "Amy" to try on clothes. "Amy" really should know to take the phone away for me. I guess she was too busy trying on clothes my two year old cousin could wear. I also tried on lots and lots of hooker shoes. I may have to go back tomorrow and get me a pair.