I Think I Don't Want Kids

I have a vivid memory of listening to my grandmother yell at my mother when I was five years old. My mother and I were in her orange Volkswagon bug and my grandparents were following behind. No one can seem to remember if we were going to Key West or to Disney World but we were stuck in a huge traffic jam. My mom and I had stopped somewhere to get breakfast before meeting up with the grandparents. I wanted a corndog and orange juice. Being the spoiled child that I am, that's what I had. It would come back to haunt all of us. In the middle of the traffic jam I puked. Mom scrambles out of the car. The grandparents scramble out of their car. My grandmother wants to know what I've been fed. Mom tells her. The yelling ensues. I understand now why she was yelling about food combinations and not giving me everything I ever wanted.

As you may know if you have read me for anytime at all, I work with children. I have a lot of experience with children. Satan (my old boss) had five kids. I was in the room when three of them were born seeing as how Satan and I used to be best friends. I have seen some nasty stuff. However nothing beats having all the nasty stuff hit you when you are already having a pretty rough week.

Monday an employee starts yelling for me to come help. I run over to see a eight year old pissing her pants all over my floor. You may ask why the eight year old pissed her pants. I don't have a clue. The kid has pissed her pants four weeks in a row. I told the dad about it. I told the mom about it. One time the mom sent the kid back out to finish her lesson still in the wet clothes. Monday, I told the mom in no uncertain terms not to bring the kid back unless she was severely dehydrated and there was no chance she was going to piss on me. OK, I really didn't tell her that but I did ask explain to her that it was a health hazard for her child to continue to pee anywhere but the bathroom. Then I cleaned up the piss.

Tuesday an employee came over to tell me we had an emergency. I, of course, thought someone was injured. Actually a child had just had diarrhea . Children having diarrhea is not a new thing. Nor is it an emergency, except when they have had it in the middle of a group of four year olds and some has "splashed" on another kid. This wasn't regular diarrhea either. The kid was shitting pure water. Three employees were standing around the diarrhea kid and the victim. No one had thought to remove both children to the restroom. I work with a bunch of fucking idiots. They were all standing around arguing about who was going to clean it up while both children stood there wailing. I took both children to the bathroom, cleaned them up, and then went and cleaned the shit up in the other room. The only good thing that came of all of this was that the diarrhea kid said, "Miss Lola I'm sowwy my butt frowed up." I got a good little giggle out of that.

Wednesday a kid threw up on me. "Amy" brings "Brookie" over and tells me her stomach hurts. As I start to lean down to talk to "Brookie" she projectile vomits all over shins, my socks, and my brand new Shox. "Amy" screams. "Brookie" then proceeds to vomit some more. Down the back of my shirt. See after the first vomit, she threw herself into my arms and started to cry. I pat her back and tell her that everything will be ok while I am carrying her to the restroom. That's when she pukes down my back and also into my hair. MY HAIR! The throw up consisted of hot dogs, white milk, strawberries, and peanut butter. I now understand about Grandma and the food combinations. Jesus Freak Boss is laughing. Fuck him. After I clean "Brookie" up, I go and clean the puke up. About 10 employees are standing around going "I'm not cleaning it up." I could have made them clean it up but instead I just started to do it myself. You don't ask an employee to do something you aren't willing to do yourself. Four of them came over to help me.

So in the first three days of this week I've had to deal with piss, shit, and vomit. I'm really thinking about calling in on a "No Bodily Functions" day but I don't think that would fly. Also if you are the future husband I am using this blog to search for; you might want to know that as of today I don't want kids. I may change my mind but right now I've decided no kids.