Insomnia And Stupid Thoughts

It is 4:23a.m. and I cannot sleep. I have a sore froat (sorry that's what I call it when I am whiny and sick) and a cough. All the muscles in my body are screaming at me and I never, ever want to work out again. I certainly did not realize I was such a wuss and in such bad shape. Even the tendon over my elbow hurts. Of course the trainer is a freaking Nazi and I am too prideful to let "The Bitch" or "Amy" out do me when we go to our semi private class. That is neither here nor there. The point is I can't sleep, I know I am getting sick, and I have a busy, not fun weekend ahead of me.

I think on top of getting sick, I may be a little sad. The Non Birthday is rapidly approaching and I am not handling it well. I'm just not where I thought I would be at this age. Yes I have a job that I love (even though I bitch about the people I work with) but other things seem to not be falling into place. I was curled up in bed and a million thoughts just kept rushing through my head. Don't you hate it when that happens? You can't stop them. You try to think of nice things or no things and you can't. I hate thinking. More than that, I hate crying and a tear or two may have just escaped.

I looked back at this. It is March already and I have only done one thing on the list. In the past hour I've said "fuck" about forty seven times and I still cry way too much. I have failed miserably. I hate to fail.

I looked back at this and realized I miss this feeling. That out of control, slightly naughty, turned on all the time feeling.

I looked back at this and too many tears escaped. I don't think I love him but it still hurts to think about that time. What does that mean? Am I deluding myself? Could I really be so stupid as to miss something that was so bad?

This is what happens to me when I don't sleep and I am getting ill. I think too much about stupid things. I think about things that make me wistful. I think about things that make me cry. Mr. Bunny is of no comfort to me. I need a shoulder and it makes me sad that I don't have one. I want someone to play with my hair, kiss me on the forehead, and tell me eventually I will feel better. It makes me sad no one is here to do those things. I'll look back at this some day and think "God, what a whiny, girly bitch"; but today, right now this is how I feel. I wish I didn't but I do.