I Could Have Ridden On What?

I found out Sunday morning that there is a ferry from Old San Juan to Charlotte Amalie. There was no need whatsoever for me to get on a seaplane. However, my mother decided since seaplanes are a dying breed it would be a good experience for me. Fuck that, I have enough experiences. I argued my case for a good 45 minutes. I had to get on the seaplane anyway.

The plane seated 14 passengers but they were only allowing 10 on. This made me nervous. Why have 14 seats if you are only going to use 10? To get on a seaplane you must weigh all your luggage, your carry-ons, and tell the nice counter person your weight. This made me pissed off. Not only am I going to fly on a deathtrap but the last thing I have to do before dying is confess my weight to the hot Puerto Rican counter boy. Mother of God in heaven, I should have stayed home.

We sit on the water for 25 minutes waiting for clearance from the airport. I guess it doesn't matter what kind of plane your on it's all the same...Hurry up and wait. As we sat there, all I could think about was that bad Jaws movie where Michael Caine flies the seaplane and the shark tries to eat it. As the plane is finally taking off my mother starts humming the scary Jaws music. What a fucking bitch! Of course, I also have to wonder how she knew exactly what I was thinking.

I will admit the view from the plane was beautiful. The ride, however, was a bit fucking turbulent. I missed most of the view because my eyes were squeezed so tightly shut. My mom and "Sarah", my former favorite cousin, began humming La Bamba. I decide to kill both the bitches if we landed safely. We did land safely. I hopped in a taxi. When Mom and "Sarah" tried to get in I told the driver I didn't know them and didn't want to share. They just stood there looking at me as the driver shut the door. Don't worry, I let them in. Eventually.

After we checked in the hotel we went to Magen's Bay. This beach is listed as one of the top 10 beaches in the world. It's also in that 1000 things to see before you die book. It was breathtaking. Really. Even if you hate the beach you would have loved this one. I quickly downed two Painkillers (the drink) and hopped in the ocean. While I was sunning myself, I met three good ol' boys from the part of Texas that is almost Lousiana. They were down for their brother's wedding. They were very drunk and were insistent on getting me drunk too. Bushwhackers for everyone!

While "Sarah" and I were drunken swimming we also met a very, very drunk boy from Detroit. He kept telling us he was from the armpit of America. He was trying to smoke a cigarette in the ocean. The cigarette was, of course, wet. The Texas boys kept trying to get the Detroit boy to go away. Finally the Detroit boy decided to go hang with my mom on the beach. I got dizzy from laughing so much watching my mom handle the Detroit boy. The Texas boys invited us to dinner but we politely declined. I may have been drunk but I knew what they wanted. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not totally against an island fling but these boys just kept talking about how much money they made building custom houses. Total turn-off. Yes, I know I let them buy me drinks but only after they insisted 42 times. I also bought a couple of rounds myself. I don't ever expect a man to pay for everything. So we declined dinner and drunkenly made our way back to the hotel. Not a bad first day.

And yes, I did have lobster for dinner. I also had several drinks made with mango rum. Divine.