Oh Yeah, Now I Remember Why I Haven't Had Sex In Forever And A Day

This post does not mean I'm out of Time Out yet. It just means this shit was too good not to share immediately.




Today at the pool The Bitch's phone rings. She answers and starts acting like a twelve year old. Now I'm not saying I'm the most girly girl in the world but The Bitch is NEVER girly girl. She is giggling. Giggling! I cannot for the life of me figure out what the hell is going on. She gets off the phone and the following conversation ensues.

"Who the hell was that?"

"The Pilot."

"Why the hell is he calling you?"

"Um...Well...I've been meaning to tell you something."

"Don't you dare tell me you are seeing him again!"

"I've seen him a couple of times."

"For God's sake why? Are you insane?"

"No, I am not insane. He called and wanted to go out for beers."

"Please tell me you didn't fuck him."

Silence

"Jesus Christ! You fucked him? After everything he did? YOU FUCKED HIM?!?!?!?!?"

"Not the first time we had beers."

"Oh Jesus. How many times have you seen him?"

"A few. I didn't tell you because I knew you would act this way."

"Of course I'm gonna act this way. He was fucking three other girls in three different cities! He broke up with you the day after your mom's funeral!"

"It was a mutual break up."

"Um OK, if him telling you he was seeing other people and you asking if that meant fucking and him saying yes is a mutual break up; then forgive me for getting the who broke up with who part wrong."

"It's ok. We talked about it. We are just fucking. No emotions involved."

"I'm not even gonna touch that one. Please, please tell me you are being careful."

"You know I'm on the Pill."

"No dumbass, I mean you are using condoms. Right?"

"The Pilot and I never used condoms."

"I know you never did but you are now. RIGHT?"

"No. We talked about how he feels safe not using a condom with me because he knows where I have been. You know I hate condoms."

"What about where the fuck he has been?"

"Well he uses condoms with other girls."

"Sure he does."

"Why would he lie about it?"

"Oh fuck me, I'm going home. I'm can't hang out with stupid people and that's about the stupidest thing I've heard in quite some time."

Boys lie. Not all of them and not all the time but they do lie. In simplest terms, that is why I haven't had sex in forever and a day. And before all you boys get all riled up, yes I know girls can be evil lying bitches too. (Except for me.)