Your Wife Is Ugly And I Have A Beautiful Tan

When I was a senior in high school I dated a boy in 10th grade. Yes, even then I liked them young and impressionable. "Cameron" was on the tennis and golf teams. He was what you would have called preppie. He loved Old Miss football and basically adored me. We dated on and off for several years. (I've been known to have a revolving door policy on dating.) In later years, we only dated when it wasn't football season. I kid you not. Every year, no matter what was going on, he always called me as soon as the Super Bowl was over. "Are you ready to date again?" If I wasn't dating someone then we would go out for a while. If he was dating someone we would at least meet for drinks. When I was engaged he swore I would never marry "Matt". When I was with The Boy he said it was only a matter of time til I came to my senses. He always told me he just assumed we would end up married.

During the summer of 2003 we dated quite a bit. I wasn't quite over The Boy but "Cameron" understood. We were friends. We had a history. He "got" me. He showed me a good time and showered me with affection. Right before football season started I jokingly said, "I'll see you in January." He suggested we just run off to Vegas and get married before football started. I laughed. We had always joked about just running off but it was always just a joke. Football season started and our phone calls became sporadic. I was cool with it because work had me swamped. In November of 2003 I found out a mutual friend had breast cancer. I called "Cameron" to let him know. He said all the appropriate things. Then he said, "I don't know if you heard or not but I got married." I laughed. He was serious. I said, "What the fuck? You got married in the middle of football season!" He had run off to D.C. with some girl and just up and gotten married. I was a little discombobulated. He explained he was ready to be settled. I congratulated him but was a little shocked and maybe even jealous.

A few months ago I was really sick. I was throwing up for three days. On day four I decided to venture out to the grocery store. I thought I was safe. It was a Sunday morning and I figured I couldn't possibly see anyone I knew. I looked like ass. Bad ass. No shower, no make-up, and wearing pajamas. I ran into "Cameron", his wife, and their baby. I was traumatized. I couldn't even really check out the wife because I was so horrified at how bad I looked. I told The Bitch and "Amy" about it and they could only sympathize with me. It's bad enough to see someone you used to date with his wife. It sucks total ass to look like shit when something like that happens. Today made up for it.

After work a few co-workers and myself decided to go to Happy Hour at a restaurant close to work. For one reason or another Hot Dad decided to go with us. Wifey is out of town and the kids went to spend the night with friends. Now if you must know I am looking quite tan these days. I also decided to do hair and make-up for work today. I don't always choose to do the whole hair/make-up thing for work. Thank God I did today. About four drinks in I hear "Lola!" I look over and it is "Cameron",the wife, and the baby. Amy whispers, "This totally makes up for the grocery store. You are tan and look quite luscious." I love Amy. So they come over to the table. Hot Dad has his arm around the back of my chair so it totally looks like we are together. As we make small talk I am checking out the wife. She is a dog. No really. She is ugly. I also realize she is a big girl. I didn't really notice that during the grocery store fiasco. Seriously, she is like 12 feet tall and to put it nicely, big boned. But she has a humongous rock on her finger. I play with the baby a bit and she totally loves me. "Cameron" is holding her and she is reaching out for me. Wife says, "She doesn't really like strangers." She loves me bitch, just admit you don't want me holding your baby. Wife then flounces off to the bathroom with baby. "Cameron" says "We have a booth at ________ Fest this weekend. Come by and have a drink with me. Wife is going to her mother's." Somehow Hot Dad senses there is a history here and says "Sorry she is busy this weekend." I love Hot Dad. I also love all the vodka I drank tonight. Vodka is good. Beer is good too. Married boyfriends are bad. Big rocks are good though.

So here's the thing. I totally trump the wife. I am so much cuter and I have a stunning personality. I also like to drink and give blowjobs. Why don't I have a humongous rock? Who wants to be my daddy and buy me pretty presents? I hear the scruffy man from Detroit got married so he sure is fuck isn't going to be buying me things. So who's it gonna be?