Confusion

After it was all over but the funeral, I looked back on my relationship with The Boy in a state of confusion. I remembered things he had said that didn't quite add up. Things, perhaps, I should have questioned more. I had caught him in lies before. Stupid lies. Things that people shouldn't lie about. If people lie about little things does that mean you should be distrustful of the big things?

I was insane after The Boy and I broke up. Really truly insane. OK not certifiable but it was bad. I didn't trust myself or anyone around me. I was convinced that everyone was lying to me to spare my feelings. I've always trusted my gut instinct. I've trusted it in both my personal and my professional life. With The Boy, my gut instinct failed me. I was at a loss. I didn't know how to think, much less function. When you are distrustful of everybody it's sort of hard to live your life. I questioned every decision I made. I constantly second guessed myself. Thus the bitter bitch you see before you was born.

It took me about a year to start to trust my instincts again. In the past six months, I've really started to feel better. Be better. I've tried really hard to not be so bitter. Not to be THAT girl. The angry one. The bitchy one. OK I like to be the bitchy one. I'm not giving that up. You can't make me. The point is I've begun to trust myself again. I decided it might be alright to date again. I mean really date. Not the one or two dates just for fun. Not the flirting that isn't going anywhere. I decided it was time to quit being so closed off. Open myself up to the possibilities.

Now I'm confused again. Recently two people I trust have lied to me. Lies that I should have been able to see through. If I'm honest with myself I did see through the lies. I just didn't want to believe it. One lie hurt me professionally. The other hit closer to home. It was personal. The problem with both of these lies is that they were stupid little lies. Both lies were told to protect me. Do I come across as so fragile that I need protecting? I don't think so. Maybe I come across as so fucktarded that people think I won't see the lie. Maybe I'm such a bitch that people lie to me because they are afraid of me.

Now I have a choice to make. Do I close myself off again? Do I start to second guess myself? Do I cut these people off? I'm confused. I don't want to be the bitter bitch anymore. Yet maybe that's the role I'm destined to play. I think, however, I'm going to try to stay out here. I think maybe I like being back in the real world.