I Could Eff Up A Two Car Funeral

So let me tell you. I'm pretty sure I could fuck up a two car funeral.

I hit Nashville about 1:15 a.m. Friday night or Saturday morning, whichever you prefer. I prefer Friday night. It's not Saturday till the sun rises. But I digress. I hit Nashville about 1:15 a.m. and went straight to the hotel. No problem there. Plenty of time for sleep. The suite mates, who had gone up Thursday, decided to stay up talking about Rainbow Brite and Teddy Ruxpin. Till 4:00 a.m. You know how I am without sleep. I was awoken at 8:00 a.m. I was not happy. Then I realized that it was The Day. All was right with the world.

I had to get up and take care of some company business that should have only taken until noon. Plenty of time to get back to the hotel, check into my own hotel room (I don't like to share), nap, beautify myself, and have a mostly liquid dinner. In actuality, I got back to the hotel at 4:00 p.m. I fell asleep at 5:00 and had to be up at 5:30. We were suppose to leave for the concert at 6:30. I beautify pretty quickly for a girl. I downed a beer in the lobby because they were having 50 cent draft. In retrospect, I should have skipped the nap and had more beer.

So I am on the interstate by 6:38. Plenty of time for dinner in lovely downtown Nashville. See some cowboys. Drink a little. Good times ahead. Concert doesn't start until 8:00 so it's all cool right? WRONG! Mapquest fucking sucks. Somehow we missed the exit to get on the other interstate that would take us to the exit we needed for the Ryman. We ended up going the wrong way. In an attempt to turn around, we ended up in a residential neighborhood. Somehow by the grace of God, I ended up on 4th street. I needed to be on 5th. I cut over to 5th and turn. I'm fuming now because I feel like an idiot for getting lost. As I am turning right, I realized 5th is a One Way street. Not the one way I was going either. Pull the quick U while the girl I'm with and myself are both trying to decide whether to laugh hysterically or start screaming.

We finally make it to the Ryman. We have to make the block 4 times because I keep missing the parking lot. I was too busy looking at Ryan's tour bus. Trying to catch a glimpse of the man. Downtown Nashvegas is a cluster fuck so each trip around the block takes about 25 minutes. OK, I'm exaggerating. But at this point it is 7:47 p.m. No dinner, liquid or otherwise for me.

The Ryman is a beautiful building. It is an old church. You sit in wooden pews. I was just in awe standing in the lobby waiting to buy my 2 beers at $7.00 each. Yes, I spent $14.00 on beer. I was planning on sitting down and not moving until the house lights went up. Realistically you can't drink two jumbo beers and not have to get up. Beer was a bad idea. Wait, beer was a good idea that back fired. We also bought a pretzel. It was almost like a baseball game. Beer and pretzels and sad ass songs.

This was by far the best show I have ever seen. Ryan or otherwise. He talked very little through out the show and just allowed the music to speak for him. It was the most incredible experience of my life. If you aren't a Ryan fan it's not even explainable. I laughed. I cried. I sang at the top of my lungs. I'm pretty sure I came at least twice.

After the show was over we were supposed to meet the 12 year old, his friend, and my other friends for drinks. We are all in the same business. Ryan just happened to be an added bonus of having to be in Nashville. So I got on the interstate going south. I was supposed to be going north. Trying to turn around yet again, we ended up in a part of town that was mostly strip clubs and adult video stores. The baby was also sitting on E. I pulled into the closest gas station and bought $5.00 worth of gas and got the hell out of there. Also at some point in the middle of all this I decided I wanted to talk to this guy. Thank God I thought better of it. Navigating was hard enough. Finally, I told my friend that we were going to the hotel. Fuck dinner and fuck drinks. I still ended up going the wrong way. Again. I was convinced I was going to be lost in Nashville for the rest of my natural life. Eventually I made it to the exit for the hotel. I still ended up getting us lost between the interstate and the hotel. A 3 minute drive tops. I think I may be brain damaged. It took us 20 minutes once we got off the interstate.

The trip to the Ryman should have taken 15 minutes. It took us a little over an hour. The trip home should have taken the same 15 minutes. It took an hour and 45 minutes. I'm a smart girl. I made great grades in high school. Good grades in college. Obviously though I couldn't find my way out of a paper bag with a map drawn on the inside.

None of it matters. As fucked up as the driving was it was all worth it. I'm still grinning ear to ear. Don't tell anyone. I might actually be happy. Don't worry. It won't last long.